i think i have two assholes
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
