a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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