I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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