the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
