mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
