he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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