Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
