he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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