someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
