i will never coherently bang her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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