We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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