Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
