proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
