Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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