How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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