I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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