she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
