everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
