I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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