I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
time to smoke my breakfast
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
