I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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