she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
