you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
