I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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