I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
