i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
