i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
