so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
