3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
