she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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