she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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