does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I currently don't understand fingers.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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