Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
