I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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