Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
