seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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