Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
