She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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