Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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