i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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