You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
