just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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