What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
