Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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