Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I would fuck him just for his dog
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
