Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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