It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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