I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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