I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
