i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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