I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
