2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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