why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
