I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
