it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
