Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There r osticjed everywhere
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
