i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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