I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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