party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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