we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I pour the whiskey from now on
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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