Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
