remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
